Financial infidelity can seriously damage trust in relationships. A recent Finder survey of 1,000+ Australians found 1 in 5 think it’s worse than adultery.
Many of us know how affairs can damage trust in relationships, either personally or through others. But what about financial cheating? A recent Finder survey of over 1,000 Australians revealed that one in five people consider financial infidelity worse than adultery. Financial educator and author Melissa Browne believes this is unsurprising given the current climate.
“So many people are financially stressed with the rising cost of living and interest rates, so to have their partner do something that threatens that financial safety could feel like an enormous betrayal.”
What is Financial Infidelity?
Financial infidelity can vary from minor secret spending on clothing to accumulating debt on a hidden credit card or gambling away savings, says Ms. Browne. According to Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, it’s any spending that goes against a couple’s agreement and shared goals.
“It has those same features as infidelity, which is unilateral decision made in secrecy.”
Our experts suggest that motivations for financial cheating can vary widely, including:
- The thrill of secrecy
- A risk-taking mindset
- Compulsive behaviours like shopping or gambling addiction
- Embarrassment, shame, or fear of judgement over poor financial decisions, such as a bad investment
- Difficulty discussing money, poor communication, or avoiding conflict.
“Someone who is highly conflict avoidant, they know [the spending] will go against their partner’s wishes, but they don’t know how to argue for what they would prefer,” Ms. Shaw says.
“They might think, ‘I can just take this offline and do it privately and maybe it will never be noticed.'”
Financial infidelity differs from financial abuse as it’s more about self-interest than control, says Ms. Shaw. However, there can be some overlap between the two.
If you or someone you know is experiencing financial abuse, contact 1800 RESPECT for support.
The Impact of Financial Infidelity on Relationships
The extent of the betrayal will influence its impact on the relationship, says Ms. Shaw. The financial strain on the other partner will also be a significant factor.
“Finance goes to our very survival,” Ms. Shaw says.
“If people are thinking their sense of survival or safety has been compromised by a partner, or their picture for the future has been spoiled, then that could feel … hard to come back from.”
For instance, if someone were to gamble away life savings or a superannuation fund, it could be “irrecoverable,” she says. There may even be legal consequences, especially in property settlements during family law disputes.
However, some couples may view the discovery of infidelity as an opportunity to improve as a couple, suggests Ms. Shaw.
“Sometimes out of these crises, a person can learn they need to be more engaged [financially].
“Maybe they never had a good financial plan, or transparency or accountability in place … it’s a chance to look under every rock.”
How to Handle Financial Infidelity
Understanding the betrayal is the first step, says Ms. Shaw.
Get a thorough explanation of how it happened and what it means for your relationship.
“A quick apology won’t suffice.”
She suggests that couples create a plan for moving forward and might need support from a couples counsellor or psychologist. From there, they can assess if the relationship can be salvaged. Ms. Shaw advises that couples then focus on rebuilding trust and reflecting on what they can learn from the experience.
“For example, if it came about through gambling, then your partner may need to enter an addiction program.”
Ms. Shaw also suggests that couples counselling may be accompanied by a need for financial and possibly legal advice.
Protecting against future financial infidelity: Ms. Browne recommends:
- Creating shared financial goals.
- Scheduling regular check-ins, like monthly money chats.
- Allocating personal spending money.
“My husband does not need to know how much I spend on shoes. I’m sure you feel the same with whatever your equivalent is,” says Ms. Browne.
“It’s only possible to maintain, however, if you’re both contributing to your shared goals, you have money of your own and you’re checking in regularly to make sure you’re on track.”
DISCLAIMER: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute relationship or financial advice. QUICKLE has no working relationships with any financial advisor or relationship counsellor.
